CAN YOU HEAR THE BELLS?

001

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 22:58:52 GMT

despite some serious obstacles, i am not dead.
goodbye.

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 23:35:33 GMT

it's like this.
you're horrible people.
you only care about yourselves.
everyone else around you is just someone you can se for your own personal enjoyment.
i can't say i didn't see it.
i think i just ignore it because i was fooling myself.
i regret wasting so much time on you,
when all it was for, was for nothing.
all those times, they mean nothing now.
i look back on what i remember and it's all tainted.
it doesn't mean a thing anymore.
i was as disposable as a t-shirt.
when you were done with me another one would get the chance.
i don't wish things were different.
i only hope that you lose everything.
i hope that nothing good ever comes to you.
the sooner you're gone, the sooner this world would be a better place.
please die.

Mon, 17 Dec 2007 02:34:23 GMT

will i ever be 100% again?
will i ever drive my truck again?
will i ever be able to walk without feeling pain?
will i wake up without aching?
will i do anything i used to do?
when will my time come back around to me?
i just need to know
because i'm kind of at the end of my rope here.

home for awhile i think, at least till the 26th.
either i'm going for the month long trek with them just to roadie or something
or i'm playing bass for them but either way it will be a cool time.

yea i'm not all together right now.
this entry is just stupid and i hate it.

My Life Lately.

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 08:14:27 GMT

these two videos are all i've been watching.
these two songs pretty much sum up all my feelings as of recently.
these two songs are my both cure and my poison.
these two songs.

Sat, 24 Nov 2007 08:57:26 GMT

I am the unfortunate tourist, stranded at the edge of your bed. Shipwrecked. Journeyed from the depths of our drinks to the small curves of your legs and yet in your absence...I feel good now that you're gone.

I am the constant exit, the constant ex, the next former friend to attend your revenge. And you said "You're just like them! Born to love and then disappear!" And i said "...People like that are the only people here."

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 03:33:45 GMT

So lets face it, this was never what you wanted
But I know that its fun to pretend
Our blank stares and empty threats
Are all I have…
They’re all I have…

6:21 AM

Sat, 10 Nov 2007 11:19:08 GMT

Losing ones mind is a serious thing. It is nothing to laugh about over a nice dinner with fake friends. A persons emotions are not something that should be taken lightly. One day you will wake up with the thought of never wanting to go on. When that day comes you can tell me how it feels to be me. My little existence is not one that revolves around hidden words and secret worlds. I try and live my life by one simple rule, "The choices you make are the guidelines that define you." Am I something worth wasting a day away with or am I just useless skin and bones? Underneath my stone exterior, I am a gentle, caring, and loving individual. There is a struggle within with ever turn I take. You cross the line when you turn your back, when you let me down. I cannot look at you in the same aspect as I once did. Were you ever really my friend or were we just playing the roles? I swear my life is one big movie, set up just to fuck with me. My feelings, my actions, all things rehearsed and played out before my eyes. People coming and going on cue and it's one big set up. I cannot explain this but it just feels like I am in another place. My urgency for human contact has made me an even harder person to reach. I do not yearn for anything sexual. I do not base my popularity on how many females I have or will sleep with. I am content with being me and always being myself. To impress, is to falsely win someones approval. In my eyes, I have never even impressed myself all that much, so the thought of trying so hard to gain someone else's acceptance just is not fathomable. Vaginas, breasts, butts, in an age of who's got what and who can afford which one, do not mean as much to me as one would think. Physical features come and go but a personality, a beautiful soul, a genuinely kind person only comes every so often. I am not sure if it makes me an idiot, that every time a guy friend I know brags about a pair of boobs, or a large behind, I cannot help but laugh thinking, "I wonder if she'd like watching football with me." I stand before you, right now, a imperfect person. I have made my mistakes and the lessons learned have made me who I am right now. I defy anyone living human to say they have gone through life scott-free, problemless and perfect. The most important possession a person has is their mind. You do not love with your heart. All that does is pump blood to your veins. You make decisions with your mind, decisions you have to live with for the rest of your life. Therefore, you decide on which person you intend to spend the rest of your life with. So in some backwards way, people should start writing to their partners, I (insert cliche picture of brain) YOU, or something fucked up like that. People cannot live in a world that does not collapse in on itself. Think of the most dramatic people you know. Ready, now picture them for the rest of their lives without any problems, with no drama. Not possible? Yea, i thought so. One surrounds themselves with negative energy because it has become all that they know. I wish I could blame other people for my demons. I wish I could point the finger at people and say, "because of you, I am like this. I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY." This disease, that is slowly eating away at my insides, does not disappear. There is no cure. As long as my mind works, as long as my lungs soak in polluted air, I will be forever cursed. That really scares me. The tough guy shell I wear in public is not an outfit I have dressed myself in. If you knew the daily struggle I go through just to keep myself in focused, I swear you would have ran away a long time ago. "How could feel so alone when you have friends? When it seems like you are always liked and are the center of attention." No social circle, no positive reinforcement could ever aid me in escaping the confines of my own mind. No one has ever truly "understood" me. At least I seem to always get the that one line from anyone I invest any sort of time in. "Nick, I just do not get you." Spare me your words. It is not because I do not want to hear them, it is just they have run their course. I started to run the gauntlet when I was younger and I have wished, by the time I a little bit older, I would have figured it out. Except it seems as if I have taken more steps back. Maybe that is progress. You have to go back to go forward. Maybe our lives are just one big game. Once you have convinced yourself that your thoughts are being televised and everyone is watching you fail, nothing seems to surprised you anymore. My inner child does not feel very youthful. The wrinkles on my forehead read, "poor decision maker." Can you love someone without loving yourself? Can you express the deepest secrets without believing that everyone else is lying? Will the past repeat itself and lay you down with nothing to call your own? Does saying, "I give up" mean you are devoid of ever having responsibility? You would be my breath of fresh air. You could be my breath of fresh air. You should be my breath of fresh air.

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 21:03:44 GMT

ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS

REPOST REPOST REPOST FUCK

Wed, 03 Oct 2007 00:05:19 GMT

I'M SELLING THESE SHOES BECAUSE I NEVER WEAR THEM AND THEY ARE IN GOOD CONDITION, SOME HAVE NEVER BEEN WORN EVER. PLEASE PASS THE WORD AROUND CAUSE I NEED SOME MONEY AND DON'T NEED THESE SHOES.

SIZE 8.5 GOOD CONDITION
COMES WITH BOX AND EVERYTHING.

SIZE 9.5, WORN MAYBE 5 TIMES
COMES WITH BOX AND EVERYTHING

SIZE 12, NEVER WORN OR EVEN TRIED ON
COMES WITH BOX AND EVERYTHING

SIZE 9.5, BOUGHT THEM A LITTLE USED
COMES WITH BOX AND EVERYTHING

PLEASE HELP ME OUT I DON'T NEED THESE AND SOMEBODY OR YOURSELF MIGHT NEED OR WANT THEM SO PLEASE PASS THE WORD ALONG OR GET BACK TO ME THANKS

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 20:52:09 GMT

The sound of money,
the sound of pain,
makes me start thinking I'm better off insane.
She's so tired that she hardly speaks.
You can tell she's lost her one true love.
So now we write each other back and forth,
just to find some meaning in the girl.
These hurtful words,
these hurtful names.
I know that you planned it out this way.
I can't stop thinking that you broke my mind.
"Yeah I kissed someone,
did it all the time."
Please baby, your scaring me now.
I knew I'd end up letting you down.
Was it worth it now?
With your hands in your pockets,
you're crying out,
"I am nothing without this!"
You know you're just a kid with nothing up ahead,
except for years and years of tears and lies,
and you'll break your heart almost every time.
but when you fall,
you get back up.
And in the end you will be loved.

what will my children think of me?

Thu, 13 Sep 2007 06:08:41 GMT

if i could scratch and claw my way out of this cave
i'd show you exactly what you've saved.
but i am far to weak and all that i feel is dead
another curse, another demon inside my fucking head.

CARRY YOUR OWN CROSS,
MINE IS HEAVY ENOUGH.

Mon, 20 Aug 2007 19:44:24 GMT

indiana to missouri to colorado to neveda to california to arizona to texas to florida to georgia to south carolina to virginia to new jersey to pennsylvania.

that was the route i took and it lasted me 4 and a half weeks.
there is way too much to explain about what i did.
made really good friends.
met really great people.
the bands i saw and befriended were amazing.
made connections and severed some ties.
i have never felt better.
i am in a place with my life that i never could've imagined being.

i love me and i learned a lot about myself.
i'm not saying that as if i'm gloating about myself but
if anyone knows me it takes a lot to admit that i even like anything about me.
but i do really enjoy where i'm at and who i am.

i have not changed.
i have not tried to change.
i have always been this way.
there is no use in trying to change
i have been through thick and thin
and still i am here and me none the less.

i saw the mississippi river. crossed it.
i drove 10 hours through the rockies. they were okay.
stayed the night in las vegas. pauly edge is a character.
california for 6 days. joe harder/trash talk are amazing people and nothing to ever say bad about time spent there.
arizona needs morals i suppose. hour of the hook.
texas was bitter end groupie fest. no wonder daniel always has a smile on his face.
florida was scum town. but scummers like myself like the mongos so i invite all to join.
atlanta was really hot. hotlanta. i got played.
south carolina is where brad moved to. home of metal karoke. i came alan show i conquered.
richmond fist city. it was cool. the vibe was weird. trash talk destroyed.
new jersey. home. would've rather been back on tour.

i have so many stories and highlights but most of them only 6 other people would understand.
ray, alan, sean, mij, aaron and greg, thank you for a great time.
even with some bad, it was all good.

Sun, 19 Aug 2007 08:57:00 GMT

i blame myself.
i blame myself.
i blame myself.
i blame myself.
i blame myself.
i blame myself.
i blame myself.
i blame myself.
i blame myself.

i blame myself.
i blame myself.
i blame myself.
i blame myself.
i blame myself.
i blame myself.
i blame myself.
i blame myself.
i blame myself.
i blame myself.
i blame myself.
i blame myself.

i blame myself.
i blame myself.
i blame myself.
i blame myself.
i blame myself.
i blame myself.
i blame myself.
i blame myself.
i blame myself.
i blame myself.
i blame myself.
i blame myself.

but that doesn't mean you were right.
as far away as i can get, i'll never truely lose you.
i'm as soft as the ground, i'm as hollow as lead.
i'm remembered for my flaws and mistakes,
i'm as constant as wind.
what have i become?
a begger?
a chooser?
or an embarassment for a son?
i've nothing to show for my life,
i have nothing to show.
bad luck, dark clouds, ill past, no wife.
the sweetest memory i have
involves no one who calls me friend.
you called me precious once,
i'm not sure anymore.
if i bowed my head in regret,
you would understand my pain.
even in the same room i still feel a million miles away.
since thinking is expanding
and knowing is truth
i think i know why i lost you.
if ever a day,
your sky is grey.
don't hesitate to drift my way.
i was once what you cherished,
i was all that you thought of.
i can be your good time
i can be your new found love.
if only an hour
if only a minute
if only
if only
if only
if only
if only
if only

if only may never come.

Tue, 17 Jul 2007 12:08:15 GMT

i must've been a lost cause.
can't sleep.
don't want to.
no sense.
hope i drop dead.

Mon, 16 Jul 2007 23:49:11 GMT

i owe you big time don't i?
i'd pay you back in time but you might have already left.
my intention for masking feelings
was to never be able to hurt you
my want and insecurities lead me down that same old path
i never meant to desert you.
can you accept my shortcomings and see my potential
tomorrow's made for people like you and me
should i still believe?

if i could change your mind.
and i could make you mine.

this place slips by when all you got is time
my charm turned its back on my wit.
and every puzzle you helped complete now tends to not fit.
you were my rain on a sunny day
you were the storm that never went away
you were the simple line i couldn't say.
i never committed such a sin
before i kissed every inch of your skin,
can you even tell where you end and begin?

will you take my life?
i will take your life.
i will.
i will.
i will.

Mon, 16 Jul 2007 21:32:20 GMT

i torture myself.
i keep everything that needs to come out, inside.
my motive for escaping was the one cry for help i had to pull me back in.
i had the world.
i had my world.
it dangled in front of me.
there were severe consequences that i can't take back.
i struggled with me. i struggled with thoughts. i struggled with right and wrong.
i was focused on just being happy that i let go of what truly made me happy.
i chose myself in a time where i should've looked around me.
i lived. i loved. i learned.
how do you find hope, when both you and hope are lost?
where do you search for your soul, when you don't even feel alive?
when is the best time for apologies, when you can't take the blame?
what happens to feelings after you're told they don't exist anymore?
my company, my safe haven, my only true solace doesn't belong to me anymore.
there's faith.
there's want.
and then there's truth.
you can cry, you can moan, and you can scream till your lungs have given out.
but if no one's listening, if no one cares then what is to be done?
i give up.
or i gave up.
which ever one works for you.
the one person i thought would be there for me, doesn't want anything to do with me.
the one person who i trusted with everything inside me.
not even a friend.
won't give me the time of day.
won't grant the respect.
what's left of a failed attempt?
memories.
photographs that still hang.
a framed picture that tells of good times and innocence.
that's all i have.
i wear the same clothes.
i walk the same way.
my path is as narrow as it has ever been.
my number remains the same.
my contacts continue to stay untouched.
is this what it is like to be erased?
to be replaced?
ignored?
judge me on nothing.
judge me on nothing.
judge me on nothing.
judge me on nothing.
judge me on nothing.
judge me on nothing.
judge me on nothing.
judge me on nothing.
judge me on nothing.
judge me on nothing.
believe half of what you see
and none of what you heard.
time can change me, but i can't change time.
some regret mistakes, i learn from mine.
i'm so exhausted. i feel like i got beat up.

Mon, 16 Jul 2007 17:13:54 GMT

Will I lose my dignity?
Will someone care?
Will i wake tomorrow
from this nightmare?

Mon, 16 Jul 2007 00:39:18 GMT

i was always told to swallow my pride. i was always told to try things different because if my usual demeanor didn't work in the past, why should i use it in the future? there's no contact. there's nothing to speak of. i can't say i didn't do this, because it's most likely my fault. i cut the ties without ever holding a pair of scissors. my intentions were good, my actions were portrayed as bad. whenever i feel like i have stepped up to take the blame, i feel as if nothing ever is cured. i've poisoned all those who surround me. i don't blame those who have fled for better company. in the end, those who told me i'd ruin myself, maybe they were right. i've spent a couple years trying to find out the correct route for me as a person but i kept traveling that beaten path. i've fucked up, i'm fucked up. there it is. in a nutshell, i got problems and now i'll fix them because i have no one to place my burdens on. i have no one to call my own and no one to warm the cold nights. maybe this is what it takes the open ones eyes. if that's the case, i'm doomed til i can get things right. if anyone wants to come back, please do but bring with you some sort of knowledge i can use to regain who i once was.

your name isn't even worth a subject line

Thu, 12 Jul 2007 03:46:58 GMT

yo before i leave for 6 weeks, i'm gonna come out and say this.
you are complete scumbag and you don't deserve the friendship of others.
you are now friends with people you talked shit about.
and you continue to be friends with people you talk shit about.
i don't feel bad.
you are a total scumbag with the shit you do.
the shit you hide, has come back to bite you in the ass.
i think it's funny honestly, because to other's faces you try to convince them they mean so much to you but in reality. they are just piss ons in your self-centered world of shit.
the one's who know of your bullshit second life are already on their way out so now you replace with humans who you'll see come and go.
i trusted you with shit, and you turned it around on me tenfold.
fuck you, and if you ever step to me on a personal level ever again i will not refrain from hurting you.
so try me, think real hard, take some time out of your oh so important asinine life and fucking realize you are worth about as much the shit on the bottom of people's shoes.
you'll never amount to anything because you shit on the people on the way to the top but you'll fall and no one, and i mean no one will be there to want to catch you.
so good luck in life, i can only wish you failure and misery. oh wait, you already claim all that.
hahahah you're pathetic. grow up and get a life.
if you have anything to say either say it to my face or just continue running your game to others.
i'm laughing all the way to the bank.

yea i got other demons to exercise but they aren't destroying me right now. i would love to work things out with some individuals but i doubt that's possible. maybe i'll write in this again sometime soon maybe not.

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 19:48:30 GMT

often irritable, mostly pathetic.
i'm just glad i have my own identity.
even if it means i have 14 of them.
talk about being headstrong.
you speak as if everyone's impressed.
behind your back you're a second place prize.
you don't feel what you write.
and you don't write what you feel.
you judge people on what they can give you
not what the have.
peace i'm out new jersey.

Sat, 16 Jun 2007 01:45:28 GMT

ALL THAT I KNOW IS LEAVING.
IT WAS EASIER WHEN I WASN'T STUCK
FIGURING OUT WHAT TO BELIEVE IN.

FLIP/FLOP

Tue, 29 May 2007 18:12:36 GMT

picture yourself driving. your hand out the window, making the wave notion, letting the wind pass by your hand. it all seems so surreal. you trya nd gather thoughts but all your focus goes straight out of the vehicle. the road i've been driving on, has proved to be one of many turns and dead ends. my head has never had a chance to heal. my heart has never had enough time to build itself back up. i look back now and try and think about what should've been and what could've been. i regret so many things. but i am not sitting here saying i wish i could relive my past. that's the further thing from my mind. concentrate. what makes a person a pillar of truth? what makes a person want to trust another?
is there a place to go where no one knows my name? is there a phone i could use to call ahead and prepare myself for failure? i'm stuck again. this place called home has become so blurred. i watch creatures of habit walk amongst me. every place i go, i see what i could possibly turn in to. everyone i've ever had the pleasure of meeting has either somehow hated me for a breif period of time or just flat out replaced me. my surface is so rough and aged that, when adding insult to injury, i look forward still. i convince myself to trudge ahead and to never look back. i've never dialed a number and admitted defeat. i'm my strongest ever.
ever get the familiar feeling that, when you're alone, you really aren't alone? my mind works in mysterious ways. my thoughts travel and sometimes i find myself having in depth conversation with myself. it's all in my head. it all makes sense to me. have you ever tried to understand yourself? like really look deep into yourself for an answer to a question you might have been to scared to ask. every night before i got to sleep i look for answers. answers to trivial statements that fly through my ever so darkened brain. the line between thoughts and factual events has become so blurred. to wrap my finger around a certain point in time that would make me think this way is impossible.
YOU CAN'T LOVE OR BE WITH SOMEONE ELSE, IF YOU CAN'T LOVE OR LIKE BEING YOURSELF.

Mon, 28 May 2007 23:04:30 GMT

If I was a simple man,
Would we still walk hand in hand?
And if I suddenly went blind,
Would you still look in my eyes?
What happens when I grow old?
And all my stories have been told?
Will your heart still race for me?
Or will it march to a new beat?
If I was a simple man

If I was a simple man,
Id own no home, Id own no land
Would you still stand by my side?
And would our flame still burn so bright?

Sometimes I wonder why,
Im so full of these endless rhymes
About the way I feel inside
I wish I could just get it right

If I was a simple man
And I could make you understand
Thered be no reason to think twice
Youd be my sun; youd be my light
If I was a simple man
If I was a simple man

Sometimes I wonder why
Im so full of these endless rhymes
About the way I feel inside
I wish
Sometimes

Sat, 26 May 2007 19:25:24 GMT

Well Ive been down to Georgia
Ive seen the streets in the west
Ive driven down the 90, hell Ive seen Americas best
Ive been through the Rockies, Ive seen Saskatoon
Ive driven down the highway 1, I just hope that Id see you soon

Cause Im coming home, Im coming home

Ive never been to Alaska, but I can tell you this
Ive been to Lincoln, Nebraska and hell you know it aint worth shit
Ive been through Nova Scotia, Sydney to Halifax
Ill never take any pictures cause I know Ill just be right back

Cause Im coming home, Im coming home

Ive seen palaces in London; Ive seen a castle in Wales
But Id rather wake up beside you and breathe that ol familiar smell
I never thought you could leave me, I figured I was the one
But I understand your sadness, so I guess I should just hold my tongue

But Im coming home, Im coming home

I know were takin chances, you told me life was a risk
But I have just one last question
Will it be my heart or will it be his?

Coming home , Im coming home

Wed, 23 May 2007 04:07:17 GMT

maybe it's the insane thoughts that are travelling through my head but i think i may have figured it out. you may ask what "it" is but to tell you the truth everyone's "it" is a little different. mine was the fact that i couldn't get over the perverbial hump called my future. i thought that no matter what i did, i'd be doomed and therefore leaving me alone and depressed for the rest of my life. well, wake up call, everyone goes through certain times. everyone wakes up to a single day and says, "i don't know if i can make it any further." the people who start to believe that are the same ones that end up driving themselves into the ground. for so long, i would wake up and start the grave digging as soon i could formulate a thought. i had myself down and out and for what? because i thought no one believed in me? that's bullshit. i didn't believe in myself. i never have believed in myself. i always put myself at the bottom of the list. i was content being at the bottom cause someone has to hold the top up. right? i was the lobby. i was the foundation. i was the supprt system. i sculpted my being into one that people could count on. into one someone could confide in and turn to in times of crisis and uncertainty. i wanted to be a pillar of wisdom and knowledge for all and any who crossed my path. for the longest time i thought i was making progress. i wasn't. i was pushing myself further and further down into a hole i could never have thought of diggin myself out of. there was no hole, there was only fear. i watched as people around me found themselves and their paths or callings in life. whether it be school, work, love or just a overall feeling of happiness. i thought, "hey i'll vicariously live through them." i was wrong, man was i ever so fooled. the time i spent searching for the next host to feed off of, i was missing my big chance. i was blinded to the fact that one day in the past or maybe their future, the people i was holding onto will or have been in the same exact place i was in. i'm only as good as i make myself. i am the only one who can sculpt myself into who i want the world to see. and yes i meant the world. the whole world will one day rest on my shoulders and i will gladly take on atlas' curse. with great pride i'll throw it on my back and know that i'm good enough for that job. where ever my life and mind take me, i will find happiness and solitude. i will not shy away from predators instead i'll study and learn my enemies and flaws. wars of mental and physical aspects will no longer be a challenge. my undesirable nerves will shiver no more. i will hold the sword out with one hand and will harness the strength the lift my shield and i will push ahead knowing that there's is only one fight i'm willing to take on. and that is one of good. one of courage. one of importance. one of self preservation. a life is precious thing, you must realize it before it's too late. i'm 21 years old and i want to live as long as my grandmother. i have 60 years still left in me. i want to inspire people. i want to change views. i want to look my greatest fear in the face and then ask it out to lunch. i want to yearn for a new conquest. i believe there is an end and that what dies never truely leaves. you can only miss what was truely loved. i want to be missed not mourned.